Meet Me at Rock Bottom

Hola Mi Gente!

I think I've written this first post dozens of times, a dozen different ways, in 7 different places over the last 4 months, yes.... four months. So, before I lose the nerve to proceed with this blog, allow me to introduce OR, reintroduce myself- depending on who you are reading this- my name is Betsy Perez, but you can call me,Bizzy, and I am a survivor of child sexual abuse, living with Borderline Personality Disorder(BPD) and Bi-Polar II Disorder. I know the whole thing is a mouthful, and the BPD sounds a little extra but, it doesn't mean I have 6 "personalities," I'm just a bit emotionally disturbed..... as if that sounds any better.

So, a little about me before I really go in and possibly scare you away with the madness, I'm a 24 year old Dominican artist living in NYC, and I started being sexually abused around the age of 5, until about the age of 12, by different men both in and out of my family. For most of my life, my abuse was like any other childhood memory, to me it was literally whatever since it had became so normal. However, now as an adult, I'm struggling with myself, my womanhood, all the things that are, "me," because of the sexual abuse I experienced. I am now realizing it has been at the root of all my insecurities and the year of mental and emotional chaos I've been suffering, some year huh? It is also at the root of my loving gift to be extremely detached from my loved ones unless I'm fucking you on a regular basis; why I attach sex to feeling wanted; how I struggle just to say, "no"; and the best one of all, how I literally have no trust in this very body I live in. I'm destroyed from the inside out and 2014, was my rock bottom.


In January, I suffered my first anxiety attack ever in LIFE! It was... oh so real, and; the beginning of the end without realizing. Not too soon after, I couldn't function anymore and was faking da funk, so haaaaard, it was exhausting just to take a legit,"Life is cute," selfie for the Gram. I had to leave my second job as a Teaching Artist, that I loved, because I couldn't handle the pressure and I was so mentally unstable. I've been sent home from my current job for break downs. I remember crying from the moment I woke up and having all these self-hating, suicidal, self harming thoughts that began taking over my mind. I started smoking my life away; Wake and Bake...was a bitch's mantra. I wouldn't eat for days and have lost about 25 pounds. My apartment, like my life, a mess; I would sleep on mountains of clothes, surrounded by garbage, sleeping in what seemed to be EVERY LITTLE THING I was feeling, and thinking, inside. I stopped reading because I didn't want to be alone in my head, I stopped eating cuz I hated my body. And to top it all off, I couldn't even understand why. 

 I've hit rock bottom and, I feel so broken. You put your "representative" on for the world and keep it pushing because, how do you tell your girlfriend everyday,"Babe, I slept all day cuz I don't have the energy to even shower,or cuz I wanna kill myself," every single day, or because sleeping is just so much more easier than living. How do you say that to your loved ones on a daily? I won't lie, I'm ashamed, I feel weak, unaccountable, debilitated; I'm torn down mentally, spiritually and physically. 


Over the weekend, an amazing friend told me,"Not everyone is lucky enough to hit rock bottom." And I wanna believe him. So, I refuse to stay here, in rock bottom. It hurts, not just me but those around me also. I've come to a place where building me up is the only option, and to keep it 100, I don't know what the fuck I am doing but, Imma do it all.  

I hope another girl or boy, reading this can get something out my story because a huge part of why I decided to do this blog too, is to help strip away some of the stigma and taboo surrounding mental illness and sexual abuse in our communities of color. Being abused WAS NOT my fault, and having a mental illness isn't either. Although I still struggle with serious bouts of guilt, I can't help but to want to share, and turn the struggle, the pain, the beauty, the magic, the journey of recreating and rebuilding myself back up, into this messy yet, beautifully packaged gift to the world called, a blog, because as an artist, I feel I have a responsibility to do that.

Now... the only way is up.

Thank you for letting me vent on ya screen and being part of my healing! 

Stay Building

Stay Dope



Comments

  1. Where do I start, first please pat yourself on the back becuase it takes a lot of courage to share such experiences with the world. I admire you for your strength and the want in you that makes you sit and write. Experiences like yours should never be considered "normal" and whether an illness is involved or not, sexual abuse is an illness within its self and you should never feel as if your illness is the strain that began your rock bottom experience. I'd firmly believe the abuse is what started rock bottom and that would be normal for anyone who's been abused. I too have been sexually molested and have struggled with self confidence, love, sex and social relationships. I've spoken, written and cried over it but your strive to try and help others through your words is beyond incouraging. Don't give up and know that if any at all I for one have been influenced by your words.

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    1. Casy, thank you so much for your words, and sharing a bit of your own courageous story. When I read comments like yours, it makes me feel safer, and less scared about be open about what I am going through. I hope to keep in touch! Thank you again so much. <3

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  2. My Ideu. Where do I start? I know one day you will let me in to feel your pain and maybe take it away. I love, cherish, adore and miss you more than anyone can feel. I will see you soon again. I leave you with a a few words to a song "Ye Ye yeyeo a Ideuuuuuu, Ye Ye yeyeo a Ideuuuu"

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    1. Bendicion Padrino, you made me cry,lol. The amount of gratitude I have for you is immense. Love and miss you too.

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  3. Beautiful Betsy . Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this personal and truly deep issue from your body and spirit. I appreciate your strength and soft spiritual growth. I myself have been through my own personal demons in such a way that I also didn't or care not too breathe. I'm truly happy that you have fought your way through that dark closet of pain too express your willingness to march on and live life.. We share in some form many pains but with understanding one true self make the road a better place too skip with a smile. And dance I'm here and I'm willing too live
    .. Much ashe Julian

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    1. Julian, your love and support, I have felt from day 1. Thank you so much for your always kind and wise words. And maybe we could dance a few songs together. ")

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    2. Love I have always seen sunshine and rainbow. . ♡ hahaha . But on a real note your beauty is truly amazing through your entire being.. Blessings and one day we should do a piece together voguing has always moved me for my spirit that is my form of personal expression. But i already see we are dancing too a better light.. Would love too continue supporting your art your truly unique. Much ashe bella

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  4. I needed this, thank you.

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  5. Anonymous8/25/2015

    Hi as sat here and contemplated, writing this...I would like to say I am so very proud of you, my love...You have become a voice for those too afraid or ashamed to speak for them selves, ...Please know that I have loved you from the moment I laid eyes on you, at Delancy Street..And know this that my love has never waivered or diminished ever..Te quiero simpre...

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