No, I'm Not Just, SENSITIVE... I Have Borderline Personality Disorder.

Wassup Mi Gente!

I wanna first thank you so much for all the love and support that you guys have shown me since I started this; but to be honest, this is waaay harder than I thought. I live my life having bare minimum communication with my friends and family,hell, even my job... that continuing this blog feels so foreign.I hope it doesnt sounds discouraging like, this bitch ain't really about this consistent blogging life so, Im out... Please don't stop reading! And please don't get it twisted either... I'm really not about this life.... But that's just me, keepin' it funky with y'all. I SUCK, at keeping in contact with people, except my girlfriend, and even that's sad to say(sorry babe) cuz I struggle everyday with that. But Meek(my boo's name)... she'll tell y'all, before we got together, I wouldn't respond to any of her calls, texts, smoke signals, nothing(#NADA) But that's my, Ace.... My loved ones, God bless their hearts, have continued to love me despite the lack of return on my part; I always feel blessed when they pick up the phone for me, no matter how many times I didn't for them.

So like you all know now, I have Bi-Polar Disorder, which is a mood disorder; and I also have Borderline Personality Disorder, which is a personality disorder. Two very different illnesses but most people have only heard of being bi-polar. Iiii've, only heard of being bi-polar; so when I was diagnosed with BPD in February, after a very short stint with my mom's old therapist; talka 'bout a conflict a interest,  I was like(in my head of course), "Personality Disorder?! Lady, if you don't get da fuck out my face with this bull--."And then, on my way home that day I Googled,"BPD." 

 According to the National Institute of Mental Health:

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a serious mental illness marked by unstable moods, behavior, and relationships; a person must show an enduring pattern of behavior that includes at least five of the following symptoms:
  • -Extreme reactions—including panic, depression, rage, or frantic actions—to abandonment, whether real or perceived
  • -A pattern of intense and stormy relationships with family, friends, and loved ones, often veering from extreme closeness and love (idealization) to extreme dislike or anger (devaluation)
  • -Distorted and unstable self-image or sense of self, which can result in sudden changes in feelings, opinions, values, or plans and goals for the future (such as school or career choices
  • -Impulsive and often dangerous behaviors, such as spending sprees, unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, and binge eating
  • -Recurring suicidal behaviors or threats or self-harming behavior, such as cutting
  • -Intense and highly changeable moods, with each episode lasting from a few hours to a few days
  • -Chronic feelings of emptiness and/or boredom
  • -Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger
  • -Having stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms, such as feeling cut off from oneself, observing oneself from outside the body, or losing touch with reality.
When I read this, I was relieved cause I thought I was just flaky, and a really bad person on all levels, on top of being, out of my mind. So, to read what I had been experiencing for a couple of years and find that these behaviors, and emotions are just intensifying, it was nice to know that there's a real reason behind why I am the way I am, or feel the way I feel; that even though, YES, most times I, am in my feelings... I'm really not JUST... in my feelings; that No, I'm not just, SENSITIVE. I have, Borderline Personality Disorder. I have an illness; an illness that I know very little about so, I'm trying to educate myself so I can better understand this journey, and not be so hard on myself in the same breath. Sometime the intensity of all the things I'm feeling at once are so overwhelming that I end up just sitting in all my disappointment cuz I just can't get it together. Take today, and why this post literally took, 4 hours to write and being published close to midnight.

So, I woke up this morning, took a shower before I did anything else, so I'm all like-

"Yaaaassss, a bitch is winnin today; she showered before she rolled up; might make me an omelet!" - I felt, FAB; and I feel we should always take the small wins where we can.

But then, I slept all day, not sure if I was gonna post anything, eat anything, all I knew was that, I showered before I smoked, which was big for me because that's become a ritual I've wanted to step out of for a while but being so impulsive and not really knowing how to cope, I have found it difficult to get out of the habit. Yet, now as I sit here, in retrospect, and like you will see as you hopefully read on, I didn't celebrate that small success. I wont lie though, I was good with not doing shit all day; who isn't... I had wanting to write in the back of my head all day, but I was still good with, 

"Ill do it tomorrow;" knowing damn well I wouldn't, then 2pm came around-

"B... you gotta get up. Just get up... You got this...Girl... Why did you even start a blog, knowing damn well you don't... 5:30. Yup, Ill get up; smoke a blunt; then write."

5:30 comes. 6:30 comes. Still in bed. Hunger pains... of course you forgot to eat. Some journey to healing...

Then comes-

"You're so fucking pathetic, you cant even write a fucking blog entry consistently; you will never accomplish anything because you're sooooo undedicated" and lets not forget, undisciplined... "You have shit work ethic...how can someone love you? you don't do shit, all you do is sit around... God please help me... that's why you re so skinny, you never eat... of course your hungry... GET YOUR LAZY ASS UP."

After comes-

the isolation; the feelings of insecurity about my abilities; the posting of random shit on social media to feel validated instantly; feeling just empty, this sense of being out of touch with everything, its like I legit live in my own world, and I guess I do. I mean, I don't think theres anything wrong with living in your own world but... when these worlds are poisonous and, don't allow us to grow or become better people, then are these really the kind of worlds we wanna live in? I know its not the one I want to build a better me in. 

I guess I didn't realize, or know how challenging this really would be. It's cathartic to see the battle taking place inside of me on the screen, written out, or how much this really is healing for me. I guess I started just hoping it would be healing, and not really having faith in that possibility whole heartedly... I don't know too much about my BPD, but I do know its the number one thing affecting my life. Despite how late, or how much I don't want think I want to write, or don't believe in myself, I'm really pulling from the tiny little place that I feel we all have that hasn't been totally drowned out by all the loudness of the negative voices. 

Thank you so much for letting me vent on ya screen, and being part of my healing.

Stay Building
Stay Dope






Comments

  1. May be the biggest step you can take, and the most important one.Let the healing commence...

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  2. Yes, let it!!! Thank you Casy! I hope you have a good night<3

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  3. I used to smoke 8 blunts a day and sleep when I was 19 until I was 21. My bed was the only thing I wanted keeping me warm and I struggled getting it together. A trick I learned though was that if I got a bottle of water and cookies and left them right next to me literally it would be on the floor or pillow next to me I would take a sip and remember to eat. Continue to write even if it's on your bedroom walls and not on here -Andy

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  4. Betsy man!! First, I love you. Not just a passing, something to say, I love you, but a real, Manita, I love you. I thank you for being so courageous & sharing yourself with us. It truly is a privilege, one not taken lightly & definitely respected, by me anyway. At first my voyeuristic curiosity was like, let me check out what my sister has to say. But now, I feel myself pulled, eagerly waiting the next blog (no pressure girl lol) because with each entry & gain insight, I learn a little bit more about you & surprisingly more about myself. No I''ve never been diagnosed with a mental illness(tho some ppl in my life might disagree lol) but I think no adult in this life gets off without some feeling of brokenness. Life isn't that kind. I can identify on sooooo many levels, reflections are scary & wonderfully freeing at the same damn time, so thank you for that! You help me so much, you will never truly understand. I think we all have a fear of being our best selves, & I battled my own demons of inadequacy everyday. I call it my consolation prize for surviving childhood molestation. Do you know how many days I said, Im gonna start a blog, I'm wanna inspire other women, I wanna..... and day after day do shit about it!! Shit, this comment is so long, it can be a blog in it of itself lol but I can't stop my chubby fingers on this keyboard because I have to let you know how much I appreciate you & how much you inspire me! Ok, I'm crying now, so I'm off this Jack, but hold on to that little place, no matter how small, because your best self depends on it, the world depends on it, & so do I (again no pressure girl lol) thank you manita! Ox

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    Replies
    1. Larissa, please don't get me started cuz we talk on this all day lol but just know, you have been such an important part of my journey and I will always thank you and love you deeply, for allowing me into your life as well. Tight tight little women hug!

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