No, I'm Not Just, SENSITIVE... I Have Borderline Personality Disorder.
Wassup Mi Gente!
So like you all know now, I have Bi-Polar Disorder, which is a mood disorder; and I also have Borderline Personality Disorder, which is a personality disorder. Two very different illnesses but most people have only heard of being bi-polar. Iiii've, only heard of being bi-polar; so when I was diagnosed with BPD in February, after a very short stint with my mom's old therapist; talka 'bout a conflict a interest, I was like(in my head of course), "Personality Disorder?! Lady, if you don't get da fuck out my face with this bull--."And then, on my way home that day I Googled,"BPD."
According to the National Institute of Mental Health:
Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a serious mental illness marked by unstable moods, behavior, and relationships; a person must show an enduring pattern of behavior that includes at least five of the following symptoms:
When I read this, I was relieved cause I thought I was just flaky, and a really bad person on all levels, on top of being, out of my mind. So, to read what I had been experiencing for a couple of years and find that these behaviors, and emotions are just intensifying, it was nice to know that there's a real reason behind why I am the way I am, or feel the way I feel; that even though, YES, most times I, am in my feelings... I'm really not JUST... in my feelings; that No, I'm not just, SENSITIVE. I have, Borderline Personality Disorder. I have an illness; an illness that I know very little about so, I'm trying to educate myself so I can better understand this journey, and not be so hard on myself in the same breath. Sometime the intensity of all the things I'm feeling at once are so overwhelming that I end up just sitting in all my disappointment cuz I just can't get it together. Take today, and why this post literally took, 4 hours to write and being published close to midnight.
So, I woke up this morning, took a shower before I did anything else, so I'm all like-
"Yaaaassss, a bitch is winnin today; she showered before she rolled up; might make me an omelet!" - I felt, FAB; and I feel we should always take the small wins where we can.
But then, I slept all day, not sure if I was gonna post anything, eat anything, all I knew was that, I showered before I smoked, which was big for me because that's become a ritual I've wanted to step out of for a while but being so impulsive and not really knowing how to cope, I have found it difficult to get out of the habit. Yet, now as I sit here, in retrospect, and like you will see as you hopefully read on, I didn't celebrate that small success. I wont lie though, I was good with not doing shit all day; who isn't... I had wanting to write in the back of my head all day, but I was still good with,
"Ill do it tomorrow;" knowing damn well I wouldn't, then 2pm came around-
"B... you gotta get up. Just get up... You got this...Girl... Why did you even start a blog, knowing damn well you don't... 5:30. Yup, Ill get up; smoke a blunt; then write."
5:30 comes. 6:30 comes. Still in bed. Hunger pains... of course you forgot to eat. Some journey to healing...
"You're so fucking pathetic, you cant even write a fucking blog entry consistently; you will never accomplish anything because you're sooooo undedicated" and lets not forget, undisciplined... "You have shit work ethic...how can someone love you? you don't do shit, all you do is sit around... God please help me... that's why you re so skinny, you never eat... of course your hungry... GET YOUR LAZY ASS UP."
the isolation; the feelings of insecurity about my abilities; the posting of random shit on social media to feel validated instantly; feeling just empty, this sense of being out of touch with everything, its like I legit live in my own world, and I guess I do. I mean, I don't think theres anything wrong with living in your own world but... when these worlds are poisonous and, don't allow us to grow or become better people, then are these really the kind of worlds we wanna live in? I know its not the one I want to build a better me in.
I guess I didn't realize, or know how challenging this really would be. It's cathartic to see the battle taking place inside of me on the screen, written out, or how much this really is healing for me. I guess I started just hoping it would be healing, and not really having faith in that possibility whole heartedly... I don't know too much about my BPD, but I do know its the number one thing affecting my life. Despite how late, or how much I don't want think I want to write, or don't believe in myself, I'm really pulling from the tiny little place that I feel we all have that hasn't been totally drowned out by all the loudness of the negative voices.
Thank you so much for letting me vent on ya screen, and being part of my healing.