Would You Like a Burger with that BPD?
Wassup Mi Gente!
How y'all feeling on this Monday?! Cuz, I am actually feeling super motivated. Sooooo motivated, I actually made breakfast today; a spinach and cheese omelette, with tea! She wasn't a five-star meal by definition buuuut, it was a five-star step for me.
You see, people living with Borderline Personality Disorder(BPD), are usually also suffering from another, or other "co-occurring" mental illness(a multi-diagnosis), that makes it even more difficult to get life as we know it, in balance, or stable. Common co-occurring illnesses are substance abuse(check); PTSD(check); anxiety disorders(check); eating disorders(bitch, check); ADHD and some others. In other words.... Ya girl, is outta order! And having some of these mental health issues along with BPD, make it much more difficult for me to get my shit together because, I feel like I am getting pulled from all these different places inside of me. Its like, I don't know where to start or, what to start with...
I have this idea of rebuilding myself, and am so committed to it. Yet, sometimes I even think,"You don't really wanna get better girl;" and I feel like my behaviors express, just that, that I don't. And I think we all grow through that, BPD, no BPD; we find ourselves having goals, ideas, wanting to change habits and we tell people what we wanna do, how we wanna change but, money talks; and so do actions. I know Meek for example, has heard me many a times talk about how I want to get better, Imma eat today, Imma do this and, or that, but all she sees is her shorty on the couch when she leaves and comes back... I really do want to be healthy, and eat, and feel happy, and not be, so all over the places. But even though its my mind that is sick, my body is the place I physically live in and I haven't been treating it well at all. Despite having knowledge about healthy eating, having the, "you gotta change the mind, to change the body," quote deep in my mind; following I don't know how many Instagram fitness pages aaaaand "fit chicks"(shout out to Rosa Acosta, Michelle Lewin, Nicole Mejia, Mankofit, and Katy Hearn... Ayyye); I even had a "straight-experience" with a personal trainer back in 2012, who taught me so much about health and fitness, however; with all that, I find myself struggling with this body I live in. I have found not eating as a way of punishing it and punishing me. Its the only form of control I feel I have sometimes. And I guess, its also my way of getting back at my body for not protecting me as a child, and as I became a woman.
Being sexually abused as a kid when I look back on it, makes me understand so much more about myself now. Its crazy to imagine that my whole childhood revolved around sexually pleasing someone and what really fucked me up was that, I was being molested by family members, friends of the family, and a few boys from around the way who didn't even acknowledge me in public. So growing up I didn't understand why I was good enough to be nice to when your hand was down my pants but, not when other people were around. These kind of interactions with the people in my life growing up, in so many ways solidified in my mind, that people only love you if they are touching or having sex with you; that just being me, wasn't enough. I learned about my own body through the hands of others, my body didn't feel mine. Then as time went by, 1st grade, 2nd, 3rd, 4th, the things I was doing sexually with other people began to become voluntary, or at least I thought. I always wanted to be touched, I felt like I needed it, because I would find myself not feeling wanted by the people around me. I was so confused because it felt good, but I felt so ashamed. I would look for it, put myself in situations that resulted in it. When my uncle use to touch me, I remember it feeling good but I didn't want it to. I would go home and be so angry at myself because I would come home wet, from excitement; and fear. I would go in the bathroom and wipe my vagina so hard, until there was nothing on the tissue and I was irritated. Sometimes, I'd scratch and dig into my thighs, or take off the end off the pinchos(translation,"bobby pins") and dig them into my arms cause I couldn't deal with all the thoughts I had. I had also become so obsessed that by the age of 10, I was also masturbating when I couldn't get a sense of release.
By then the kids around my neighborhood were calling me a hoe, a slut, saying I sucked everyone and their mother's dick. And even though most of the rumors were not true, I thought they all knew. I felt like I couldn't escape it. I cried. I hated it. And I believed it after a while. I felt that's all my body was good for. I always felt betrayed by it cuz it never did what I wanted it to, it always froze! I never fought back, I just would stand or lay there. So, as a little girl, this was not my temple, more like my prison.
As got older I would have flashback of being in the back of the cafeteria in C.S. 152 and showing the boys my tits and letting them touch me, I was only in the 4th grade. I sometimes flinch when I see a classroom and think about the time I allowed two older boys play with me, all the while we sat in the back of the classroom while the teacher gave her lesson. I go to my old block and cringe at the thought of going into certain buildings because I know what has taken place there. Sometimes, even watching rape scenes, anger me cuz I think about how we are physiologically giving the option of, "Fight, or Flight," under stressful situation, and I Froze.
In the last year, I would eat the maximum on average, one meal, maybe two a day. And when I say a meal, I'm talking like, a slice of pizza or a sandwich; usually late in the day after I cant take the hunger pains anymore or, when Meek was coming over. Some days I wouldn't eat... at all. I would smoke; masturbate; sit; and sleep. There were many a days that the hunger was so bad, I would literally double over in pain. Sometimes, I would have to crawl to the kitchen cuz I literally had no energy to hold my body up. Stumbling into the kitchen with such urgency just to put anything I could find in my mouth so I won't pass out. My bones feel brittle, I hear them crack. Some people think I look, AMAZING! and others think I need a burger. Either way, I sometimes get really angry when people comment on how skinny I've gotten, because I know it was the result of my low self-esteem and my mental illness. I don't know if your reading this and are like,
"But mama, its so simple, just eat..."- cuz I've gotten that reaction; however its not that easy for me, or many us living with BPD.
Getting up to make breakfast while being home alone, in the morning I might add; not at 12:30, while Meek is out of town, is a like I said in the beginning, "a five-star step," for me. Yesterday, I didn't push myself to make breakfast and to be honest, I really don't know why, but I didn't. Today I did though, and that's what counts. Its like preaching to the choir, but we all know we gotta fuel our bodies not just nutrient rich foods, but fuel it with self love and care.
I know that I don't love my body, or the things I have done to it over time. But I wanna love it, adore it, feel protected and empowered by it. Eating, is a way of showing your body how much you love it. Like our minds and spirits, our bodies did not deserve the abuse we experienced. And maybe I wont ever love my body 100% but I wanna try, I want to learn. Part of this journey is not just about healing mentally, but also spiritually and physically. And celebrating the baby steps I'm taking, TODAY.
Thank you for letting me vent on ya screen, and being a part of my healing.