Healing... Not So Time Sensitive.
Hola Mi Gente!
How ya'll feeling today? I hope you all had an amazing Thanksgiving!
The holidays, since I could remember, really stopped being a "thing" for me. Actually, they never really have. I wanna say that my family made a huge emphasis on this idea of the,"holiday spirit." I mean, we had a tree once; and last year my parents had a, christmas palm tree. Mad Latin, right? My mother refused to buy a tree for one night; even though she was hosting Christmas dinner....The holidays for me, have always been just another time of the year for everyone to get dressed up, get together, and eat lasagna with potato salad; shit we do at baby showers. Nothing special. And maybe even these comments I'm making are coming from a place of sadness because I somehow, wanted it to be so much more but to myself, I never really admitted it. After I went into foster care, I was placed in homes where the families were all about the holidays and gift giving, and all this madness, I mean, EVERYBODY and their mother's mother got something. Seeing that, really fucked me up because my parents were certainly, not about that life, and I don't blame them; but at the time it felt like, "Damn, not only will I spend the holidays with another family but, with one who was actually all about it. Like, thanks Jesus."
In retrospect, I was always more sad about about my thoughts, than jealous or envious, cuz I enjoyed those holidays with my foster families. I just wanted to feel like a part of something, like belonged, and maybe I was, but couldn't feel, or realize it. I guess I don't even know what I'm really writing or wanna write about. I just feel anxious and very much in my feelings and maybe, it is the holidays, or maybe its just me, like always.
"Now you just sound like, the worlds revolves around you."- my thoughts, in real time.
And I digress.
I wanted to come on here and write this really great post about how blessed we all are, and flowers with roses but that's not whats in me. Not to say that I didn't have a great Thanksgiving, cuz I did. I got to be with my brother, my sister, my boo thang, our friend, and some family. I also got the chance to have some sweet potatoes! I loooove me some sweet potato anything. So, I had a nice time but, even throughout the course of the night, I found myself feeling so displaced and, out of touch at times with the energy of my own friends and family, it was frustrating for me. Frustrating because you see a group of people flowing, connecting, and taking pleasure in beautiful moments and, here you are, feeling trapped in your own thoughts going a million miles a minute about why you just can't let go. Why can't you just be in the fuckin moment. Connect. Then I think-
"Maybe I'm not sick. Maybe I'm just some stuck up snob who doesn't want to interact. In her own world. Just let go B. You cool too... whatever that means. Stop being so awkward. Just let go girl." But I couldn't. In fact it lasted days.
I'd stare at my phone or the laptop,
"You could write today. It will make you feel better. Its not about people. What the fuck?! Validate yourself... But I haven't written in 3 days. Maybe I'm ok. Of course you re not ok. Mami's calling again."
Picks up laptop. Puts down laptop. Picks up laptop. Opens laptop. Too many thoughts. TV on. Cars. Chris Brown blasting downstairs."B, you suck." Closes laptop. Sits. Smokes. Thinks. Sits, just sits.
Every time, I've gone MIA on anyone, or group of people, I totally embarrassed. I will avoid and disconnect from them because I would think they are upset with me. Usually, I wouldn't have a good enough excuse as to why I either didn't reply, or show up, still don't. Shit, there's probably some friends and family reading this right now still waiting on some kind of reply from me, real talk. I would go into these internal downward tailspins of obsessive thoughts and find myself at the intersection of "self" and "character assassination," where I would keep on replaying in my head how unaccountable, unreliable, how "Un" everything I am; which is definitely what happened to me this week. I almost didn't post another entry deciding to just end this online relationship cuz, I felt so embarrassed that I fell off, hence why I stood away from Instagram and Facebook for the past few days. But I just didn't get it, was feeling so motivated and doing good; I don't want to minimize my genuine efforts of sticking to it, but I started to wonder if it was being fed by the validation I was feeling from the response I got from others, or my own self-healing? Or has there even been any healing. I have such a thirst to feel validated, to connect and am still searching outside of myself, that I don't know. Sometimes its so hard to turn down the volume in our minds so we could listen to our true selves, it becomes confusing, and overwhelming. This whole week, I did the things, I wanted to stop doing. Maybe I'm being one cynical bitch and haven't been the most positive through out this post but, I don't think I'm really feeling this process. And I don't know if me disliking the "process" is how I feel, or what I think. And sometimes I really wanna say, fuck it, and sometimes I do, fuck it. I think we all do. We live in society where everything is so instantaneous; texts, emails, the news in China, everything is, instant. So, when something like healing, not sensitive to time, is the journey you're on, time doesn't have to become your enemy because, it wont happen overnight. Take your time. Savor every second of what it is to heal, for you. Get lost in time building yourself; time is your friend while healing. Being mad about how long it may take, or putting a time frame on your process, ain't happening love; it's unrealistic. Its a process, a journey, an evolution of your self, and I'm trying to accept there's no cap on that. And that you won't feel it 2 weeks after starting a blog either.
My healing process by the looks of it...messy.
I wish there was a blueprint, or a "standard" timeline, shit, a manual for the healing of a broken spirit. I wish I knew what this will all look like, if healing's suppose to look like, feel like, taste like, smell like, this. This, feels sometimes worse than before. For 1 step, take 2 back.
I wanna be sorry about not posting because that's my natural reaction, its part of my self-destructive nature to apologize and then self-assassinate but, I wont do that this time, apologize. I think we should give ourselves the right to be unapologetic about our journeys. I guess when I step outside my head for those few moments, like right now, I guess this is, a step forward, me posting. And maybe I shouldn't look at those "2 steps back," as a set back and more like, a chance to,"step back" and understand why I am not moving forward in my journey at this moment, so I can continue evolving; cuz I may have more moments like this, almost sure... life happens but, next time, you wont find me at the intersection of, "Self" and "Character Assassination." Our journeys are all so beautifully unique, with different needs, destinations to reach, lengths; and I'm just starting to accept and really settle into mine.
Thank you so much for letting me vent on ya screen and, being a part of my healing.