Lettin' Go of Me
Wassup Mi Gente
How are ya'll feeling today?! Hoy? Ahora? NOW?!
Because the NOW, is what’s here; all up in yo space… The past matters; but today is what counts. And we CLING! Shit, I cling! We cling to our clothes; our hair; that shirt we swear is gonna fit again…one day; the last droppa juice; our pasts; our lovers; our money; our lack of spirituality; I mean, ya girl holds on to just about everything but nothing like the person I thought, I was.
”You just aren’t the same...” Has been something I’ve heard a few times in the last year. My response was always-
“I’m still the same; I’m just sick.”
“I’m getting it together.”
“I just need to get help, you’ll see.”
So, when someone very special to me told me today, “But, you aren’t the same.” And still, I was like, “No, I am the same underneath it all.” I didn’t want to accept it. That I’m actually not the same girl; I left her at rock bottom.
When I started this blog; when I made the very conscious decision to get help, heal and, rebuild myself; I didn’t take into account that the Betsy people know or knew; love; speak to, interact with or whatever with, will not be the same after this. And that scares me. It makes me want to hold on to all the things I thought defined me, validated me, all the things I knew. Or thought I knew. I didn’t realize that the same way you guys are getting to know me; I’m also getting to know me.
I cried today cuz how could I not see it? I don’t want to get to know myself again. It’s like dating someone new. What if I don’t like me? What if my friends and family don’t like me? What if I really don’t like pizza?! I mean that would devastate me; even though I don’t think that’s possible but… there’s this huge fear already of the unknown.
Just a few days ago, I started the Just Be Present Yoga Challenge on Instagram. Join me! It’s never too late… I joined this challenge on Wednesday, Day 3 of it; and to be honest, I was petrified to do it. I was scared because its theme, of being “present,” was; and still is, a struggle for me. So, to be present in a time in my life where I am just realizing that, the person I presented to be, was full of dormant pain, anger, self-disgust, and all this negative energy, was not at all who I was, is difficult. It hurts. I still love her; that fucked up girl. My old ways of being, is what I knew. My childhood is all know. The thoughts in my head are still very present in mind. How do you let that go, of what you feel is the essence of you? Well, very little by little, especially through starting yoga; I’m understanding that as you continue to work on yourself and heal these wounds, you don’t have to live in our thoughts, our pasts, or our fears. You, like me, have a choice, and are worth living in the today. And we create the present for ourselves, not all these external factors that we have no control of. Or that pain and suffering, are not the essence of any of us. Now, I’m not saying that I’ve had all these moments of enlightment, and I’m all spiritual, and brand new. No. Cuz I’m not. But this challenge of being present, has taught me the beauty of letting go. And nurturing the new.
I know I’m not the same. I was clinging, holding on to dear life to who I was so bad but, when you cling, you hold your breath. You can't breath. You die. And then, you let go but, what use is that. I’m learning that being present in the moments where life seems unbearable, without direction, or purpose is when we become more of our true selves. That bottoms are for spiritual renewal; for seeds to be planted so a more evolved, stronger, more conscious, peaceful, loving and more spiritual you, can rise up. I don’t know where you are in your life today but, like you, I spent a lot of todays in yesterday, or tomorrows, missing the real moments before me; the real opportunities to grow. Be present.
Thank you so much for letting me vent on ya screen, and being a part of my healing.