Corner of 59th and Self-Sabotage
Wassup Mi Gente!
How ya doing? How ya feelin'?
First of all, its brick city out here so, I hope you, are staying as warm as possible. Drive, AND walk safely, cuz that black, ice is real. Seen a few people go down who didn't see it comin'.
Anyways, today was a bit of a challenge for me. I found myself on the corner of 59th and Self- Sabotage. As embarrassing as it is for me to accept, I was late for therapy, making it my 4th absence, in a week. Therefore, placing me on contract for attendance. You see, I start therapy every day at 1:30pm and, at 1:35 is the cut off. You can try tah walk in, if you want but, it’s not gonna happen. You might as well just take the absence, and try again tomorrow. The CITPD program is very strict; especially with their attendance policy because the treatment is so intensive. So, missing crazy amount of days, totally defeats the purpose. You gotta show up to do the work, no one is gonna do it for ya. And that’s what I’ve been telling myself for the last month-
"You gotta show up Bee."
In the beginning, I was all about it! Getting ready on time, not playing too many games with the MTA cuz, we all know the MTA plays all day; and just kinda doin da damn thing. I managed to goto group everyday with one intentional absence, and a lateness that became, an absence. I was making it; by the skin of my teeth but nonetheless. Then came February. And to be quite honest, in this last week, I have no fucking idea what took place within me that I just didn't or couldn't, or both, get up for therapy. I missed every day except Thursday, and I managed to make it to my individual session; for the last 15 minutes that is, and even that was a struggle. I paced in my bedroom for maybe 20 minutes before I decided at 2:45pm, to goto my 3 o’clock session. I got on the train feeling frantic, anxious, ashamed, and really worried about what my therapist, Romy, was gonna say, or think. I was also praying that my high will wear off by the time I get downtown, which it did, thanks to not wanting tah bust my ass in the snow... When I got there, head hanging low, as if I was gonna get reprimanded, all she said was, “I’m glad you came, even if it was 15 minutes; they are your fifteen minutes. And better late than never."
It crazy cuz, anyone looking at my actions, or at least, I feel, can simply say,
"Well, you must not want it bad enough." Or, "You were just being lazy." Or, "You just needa snap outta of it." Or, "You were doing so good... Wha happened?
I... reflect on MY actions and say these exact same things.
While I stood on the corner of 59th and Self Sabotage, and the stupid light turned green! I looked at my phone already knowing deep inside-
"Girl, its 1:30. By the time you get down the block, you know DAMN WELL, it gonna be too late."
But still, the light turned red, I crossed the street, and I prayed that I wouldn't start crying half way down the block because I knew, or at least, I truly felt like the biggest fuck up.
"You are so stupid. You shoulda left earlier. Fucking MTA! I woulda been good if ain’t have to go uptown, to go downtown. If I woulda just stood up and not went back to sleep this morning. Jesus, what’s wrong with me? Why can’t I just get up like everybody else? Why can’t I just show up? I didn't smoke, I didn't masturbate, I have no real reason to be tired. What the fuck?"
I mean, all of these thoughts and then some. I wanted to blame everything and everyone, including myself. I was mad that this whole week, has been so hard for me to get up and go. Am I self-sabotaging? Again? But why? I get to the hospital doors at exactly 1:35pm. I was hoping their clocks were three minutes behind cable time but they weren't. I didn't even attempt to walk in, I just turned around, crossed the street and ate my feelings. Pizza, and zeppelis, exactly what my emotions ordered. Needless to say, I didn't even finish them.
Self-sabotage, I feel, is the biggest MIND FUCK known to existence. We know deep inside that we wanna succeed, we wanna be our best selves, we wanna put in the work, we wanna make the change, be disciplined, and be self-motivated. You fucking name it, we want it! We wanna do all our assignments on time to get the grade; do our paperwork on time to keep the job; meal prep for the goal; we promise ourselves to get up early enough to be on time for an appointment you gon' rescheduled several times; you name it, in our minds we are aaaall about it. All of these desires, the motivation we feel are fact, and they burn inside us passionately but, our actions are sooooo contradictory. How can we not question our motivation when our behaviors, are what we got to go on? It’s what people see. They always say, “actions speak louder than words" but, sleeping half the day; barely making it on time, ANYWHERE; shutting down; isolating; these "actions" are not just because some of us are "lazy" or "unbothered not to care." We care, I care. I care each second I’m lying awake on the couch and think,-
"I could have done this, that, and da 3rd by now but, no... I wanna just lay here.... but I don't wanna just lay here. I wanna get up and have a full day of shit to do, why is it so hard though. Why can’t I be like, "such and such," who is always busy, and active."
We then become ashamed; confused by what we do, and how we feel, and why they don't match. It frustrates me that, I do want to get better but, I'm fucking up such a great opportunity. And as I write this, it makes me think of a question Romy asked me, during our brief session,
What do think you are avoiding by not coming to group? And the answer is, everything.
It makes me want to SCREAM cuz, I was just starting to speak, and kind of put myself out there and let go a little, and trust this group of people who are amazing, and genuine, and supportive, and just so, insightful; and are in so many ways helping me trust myself, to then just stop going. I checked out, and honest to God, I didn't want to. I didn't even realize that I was checking out, I just thought I wasn't in the mood. Nor did I wanna miss 4 days cuz, I really love going to the program but to keep it 100, the pain runs so deep that I guess to be in a room full of mirrors became too much, that I didn't even realize. I find myself sitting in those session GAGGIING cuz, these individuals might as well have been flies on my wall; they sometimes say verbatim, exactly what I feel or, have felt. Every day when I get ready, or at least when I get to group, I can’t help but think,
"Jesus, this can’t be right. I know, I know better. This can’t be me. Am I this fucked up? What wound will I open today?" But, what is knowing better when it comes to dealing with our emotions and our thoughts? And the reality is Bee, this is you; and no, you aren't that fucked up. And treatment isn't for picking at wounds, it’s for healing them.
I think that when we self-sabotage, and are not aware of it, we blame everything under the sun. We punish ourselves cuz, we can’t really wrap our minds around these behaviors that have become so embedded in us versus, our aspirations, those deep wants which, are who we truly are. I just finished balling my eyes out while writing this because I figured out one of the reasons why I have been avoiding group and self-sabotaging. There may be many more reasons why but, at least I know one. And it’s not because I am lazy, or a failure, or a flake or, any other bullshit thought I keep telling myself, or that maybe even you, keep telling yourself.
I’m scared, scared of failing. And not just failing, but failing myself for not doing the work so, why not get discharged before the downfall. Right? Wrong... Self-sabotage, robs you from the process, and fills you with self-judgment. I refuse to cut this treatment experience short. I feel like I have never really worked hard for something, and now when I’m really put the test, to work for myself, its feels like a double whammy. Like, "Here! Take that bitch!" And it’s scary. Exhilarating. Overwhelming. Gratifying. I’m pissed at myself but, humbled by this week, by today, by writing this post. I pray every day, that we are much more loving and empathetic with ourselves and, our setbacks, cuz sometimes you won’t know why, and some days you’ll know exactly the reason, or reasons. Romy always says, “Be curious about yourself." So, I’m asking you, be curious. Stay curious. Stay open. You have enough people shutting you out, don't be one more.
Thank you so much for letting me vent on ya screen, and being a part of my healing.