31 Days of Self-Care; Am I Worth It?
Morning Mi Gente,
How y'all feeling today?
I'm actually a bit on edge; maybe because its about 6:30am and, by now I usually have a blunt rolled and ready to go. Not this morning though. You see, I wanted to go the whole month of March sober. I had this really fun, or at least I thought it was or, still think it is, a fun idea, to practice self-care for 31 days. So, why not just be super sober and aware, of my whole experience? I figured it being Women's History Month and all, why not celebrate myself?! I don't think we celebrate ourselves enough, I know I don't. And it bothers the crap outta me because, I wanna enjoy, embrace and love all of me. I wanna do things that I love, for me. Don't you? But why don't we? Why don't i? I had this whole thought out challenge for myself and now, I'm kinda feeling like backing out.
First, I was going to write all the things that bring me happiness, joy, pleasure, you name it, on little pieces of paper; throw them in some attractive small, sack like thingy and, call it my, "Pleasure Pile." Kinda like a, daily "Bucket List," for your emotional well being; but with a better name. Its basically, a bunch of activities that pump endorphins through my beautiful brain, and help exercises my, "happy muscle." My pile is full of simple, random picks like,"Listen to, "Wannabe," by the Spice Girls" or; "Go on Orbitz and plan a getaway" or; "Read one of your favorite poems" or; "Take 10 deep breaths." These are just some of the things that bring me some kind of peace and joy. And I feel for the most part, we all kind of know more or less, what makes us feel, "good" but, for me, it never seemed like a necessity. I didn't know self-care was essential to live, to thrive, to survive. My lack of self-care probably had much to do with why I wasn't able to keep my job; or live the most fulfilling life. I have very little left to give. We always hear, and chances are, always telling someone, "You can't take care of anyone else, if you can't take care of yourself." Self care; self care; self care. But how do you practice self care if, you don't feel worthy of feeling good? How do I push myself to do an activity to create positive feelings, every single day, and actually embrace it? Sometimes, I feel content in not knowing how I feel or, just settling for the usual, "I'm good."
I speak about my self-care idea as a past thought because I really don't know if I want to do it. I started getting in my head, like I am now, thinking,-
This is soooo cheesy. You? 31 days of self care? Really? You could barely eat breakfast 3 days in a row.
But is it really that, I don't want to do it? No; cuz I do. Yet, I very prone to allowing my doubtful thoughts get the best of me.
I guess, I just feel like I am not worthy of feeling extreme bouts of happiness. I'm afraid to let go. I feel like, I'm almost being bad, or disobedient for allowing myself to feel good.
Growing up, I always saw my mother taking care of something, or everything but, never herself. I saw my dad take care of every bill under our roof, and whatever else except, himself. There was never any "me" time for my parents, or at least for my mom. I remember my dad always being able to go out for some kind of a breather while mami always had to take at least, 1 of us, cuz papi wasn't big on the amount of noise we made plus; we never really wanted to stay with him, which in turn use to upset my mom. I guess when I think about it, she needed a breather too. In fact, I KNOW, she did but, how was she gonna say that? At least, back then. In our house, in most Latino homes, I feel culturally women are like children; seen, not heard. Until I was 13, I always saw my mother over extend herself for my dad, for our family. Today, my mother is like the,"Queen of Self Care," can't tell her nothing. She gets dolled up, just because. Open toe shoes in January, cuz she can. Does her hair sometimes twice a week, cuz that's what makes her happy. And, in true fashion, my dad usually has a fierce opinion but, my mom keeps it pushing. I wish so bad, that she would have been this vibrant, this shameless when I was a child. I wish she would have sat with me and had these conversations about self-worth, and taking care of yourself, and your body, and your mind. The most my mom and my dad gave me as a child about self worth combined were-
"Tu no te govierna hasta lo dies y ocho."- You don't govern yourself until you're 18.
"Las ninas decente no se sientan asi."- Decent little girls do not sit, "that way." (Basically, close your legs)
"No paras de estudiar."- Don't stop studying. (Stay in school; in other words)
This concept of "loving myself," was definitely not something I picked up at home, unfortunately; which did something for me. Not having positive, uplifting words being told to you on the regular as a child, at home at least, I feel really shapes your self image. This is your foundation, where it all starts.
I read, learned, and talked about self-love especially throughout high school but never really sat back and, thought about loving myself, up until, maybe the last 3 years of my life. What that really meant? How is that being measured? Never really thought about my self worth either. In the same token, I didn't really start learning about the practice of,"self-care," until I went to school for Human Services, a few years ago as well. I guess its all culminating now. I've been existing, just going through life, maintaining, unaware of how emotionally jammed I've been. You become so desensitized to your contentment. And maybe that's why, I wanna back out on this 31 days of self-care because I don't know what these activities, that are suppose to be “pleasurable” will stir in me. Cuz real shit, I'm not gonna wake up each day jumping outta bed, as positive as I wanna be; I'm human. In the past, like recently, when I started really feeling something I'd rather give up than push through the awkwardness, the " I don't want to," the "I can't," the anxiety, the tears. Its the moments of resistance where we need push through the hardest, that's where the growth happens, and that's what I have to keep telling myself; cuz I'm good for bailing when it comes to showing up for Bee.
Self care, and self worth are so interconnected for me; maybe for you too. My lack of self-worth plays a part in me feeling unworthy enough to take some time for myself, my mind, my body, my spirit; to feel deserving of having amazing, positive feelings and experiences. I want to incorporate more positive life moments in my healing journey. I want to feel deserving of all the happiness, the way I feel almost entitled to all the sadness. This month, I really want it it to be about celebrating myself, exploring myself, my womanhood, in a bunch of different ways. I want to learn new things about who I am, who I'm not. I also want to have fun! I wanna take a dance class, maybe jazz. Do stand up! Wear fishnets around the house! Watch City of Angels cuz I absolutely love that movie! And you know what, I am gonna do it! Cuz, why not? As much as we know intellectually that we are worth it, its also about feeling it, at least for me. And I just wanna feel it. Its scary as shit but, I heard its well worth it.
Thank you so much for letting me vent on ya screen, and being a part of my healing,