A Broke Blessing; A Rich Opportunity; Or Both
Wassup Mi Gente!
How do I really feel today? Not just-
"Oh, I'm good."
You know, the usual “place holders” for not really knowing what the fuck we feel or; place holders for not wanting to drown people in all the shit… you’re REALLY feeling. So, you save them. You save them, and yourself the trouble, of reciting the same story of life that you have seemed to memorize by heart. It’s almost like a script; a narrative; your life's monologue, and no one knows it like you. And no one can rewrite it like you either.
I have struggled on a daily with this life. This life, that I am so blessed to have, to wake up to, to try again for, to not give up on, to learn from, to grow in, to love, to explore and, so much more. And even as positive, as I've stayed, I won’t lie that I have also been angry; just as lost as last year; feeling very invalidated; and like a huge fuck up, especially in the last week. I have been officially unemployed for the last four days, and discharged from my therapy program. I got the boot, all in one day! Total fucking comedy!!!! I left my last day of work numb; baffled; and at the point of tears; really coming together.
"You fucking idiot! How can you get fired?! What the fuck, now you can’t keep a job? Really?"
I was so stuck, I took the bus. Which, wasn't the best idea in retrospect, cause I started to freak out. Seeing sales prices; the hustle and bustle of walkers, and school bags; the noise of sirens; everyone’s conversations; other unemployed mother fuckers; each 5 minute stop that Bx19 bus made, gave me anxiety.
"Why da fuck did I take this shit, Jesus…"
I felt the tears build up, and then I felt, as if everyone was looking at me like-
"This bitch ain’t got no job."
And I thought-
"They must know. I know they know. You have that stupid,” I wanna take a shit; just got terrible news, I lost my job look on your face”."
"What have I become? What am I becoming? UGH. You are so dramatic gurl!”
“But really. Whatta you gonna do?”
Can’t feel. Gotta think. What’s the plan? What’s the plan?
“I guess a bitch is getting food stamps and, unemployment. Vamo.”
Next day, I felt stuck. I sat on the couch for hours, masturbated, smoked me a blunt; I checked out for a second cause it was too much. Everything I was feeling couldn’t catch up with each other. Hands folded and just sat. Looked at the blank screen.
I got up. Made some Lemon Zinger tea with honey, to sweeten up how BITTER, I was feeling about life....
"Be the change you wish to see in the world.-" Mahatma Gandhi
Shut, the fuck up.
"Damn B, talka bout a new low. You even told, Gandhi to shut the fuck up."
And I laughed.
Cuz it is a new low. I thoooought, I hit rock bottom last year dot dot dot. I mean, either that or; I must really hate the first 3 months of the year cause they have been shit the last 2 years of my life. So, I have to laugh, and hard. Those crazy ones when you realize, Holy Shit! This is my life. They were these spontaneous laughs that wrapped around da fear, anxiety, shame, embarrassment, loss, relief, and whatever weird sense of happy I have these days.
I laughed, cuz I didn’t want to cry. In all reality, I’m scared shitless. I think we all are. I’ve also never been more genuinely curious about what this all means. What’ll all mean. I literally have an open book. It wasn’t like last year when I was working, trying to go to therapy, trying to navigate a relationship, trying not to kill myself, ALWAYS TRYING. I am unmistakably in a place in my life where, my decisions will make, or break my spirit. That this moment in my life, is a clear pathway, and I can take it as an opportunity to really heal. To create a real life that is about me. That is mine.
Hmmm... Mine. I sometimes don’t even know what, "mine" means, but I’d really love to.
I think sometimes when we put ourselves out there, especially in the way that I am, with this blog, with the work I do, I struggle with the values and ideas I have about life that I try to encourage others to have but, that most days, I can’t hold for myself. The classic, it’s hard to take your own advice. But most days, I just don’t know how to. And I guess this is what my life has been about lately, learning and unlearning. I find that as I continue to write and reflect, I have found myself going in circles. And over the last few days, I have been saying, “I’m good" or, "I’m fine;" trying to grasp this life change. When I in reality, I kinda don’t know what it is I feel. Will I look for another job? Will I rock out on unemployment and chill the fuck out? And not care if people think I’m being lazy. Cuz, what I really wanna do, to keep it phunky, is sit on my ass foh a couple months and not do shit. Real talk. I’m tired. But, I’m also battling with me wanting to get up every day, do a yoga pose, meal prep some healthy shit, do fun and pleasurable things for myself, be about building this mind, this body, this spirit. To create.
I wanna take better care of myself, and I wanna learn to love myself, and sustain a meaningful, intimate, deep, and real relationship with me. My world, internally is so fragile, scattered about, pieces here and there, that it’s more difficult than not to sustain viable connections with people around me both personal, and professional. I can barely sustain it with myself. It makes me anxious to even post this because of all the unanswered texts, calls, voicemails, you name it. There are so many layers to it.
But bringing it back… I wanna take getting fired as a blessing, a broke blessing, but a blessing. I still don’t know how I feel about no longer attending the program, maybe I focused so much on getting fired, to avoid how I really feel about being discharged. All of these moments where I feel the most lost, is when I ask the most questions and learn the hardest, and the best of lessons. All I have are more questions, and as frustrating, as it is, it isn’t always about the answers. That even though my next move is totally up in the air, I have to find a balance between allowing this healing to take its course and when to step in, and make decisions. I’m still learning to accept it’s much more about the journey, to ride the wave; cuz when you think about it, life's just one big trip.
Coach, for now.
It ain’t easy, but we got this baby!
Thank you so much for letting me vent on ya screen, and being a part of my healing.