Healing; It's Uncomfortable.
Its ok to love, and love hard; its ok to lose hard... even yourself, sometimes. Its ok to not speak and just listen to the hollowing of your heart echoed by the waves of your soul; it's ok to be angry; it's ok baby girl. It's the way of the world and it seems to never get old; each blow, each wound, feels fresh like its never been scabbed. But you don't have live here, or there, or within anyone's borders, anyone's pain, anyone's world. Feel it go.
You are a woman of the universe, a child of god, a star in the constellation. Love love love and love some more. Feel beautiful, feel it all and never fail to stop and smell the air, create a memory, leave a scent, touch a soul, allow yourself to be loved... leave-behind-the-crutches.
All my love,
I almost didn't post, write, do anything. I kind of just wanted to sit. Lately, I've been waking up very anxious. I toss and turn. Sometimes all we wanna do is nothing. Sometimes I wake up so exhausted that it's confusing. Wake up thinking, spend a whole day, thinking; go to sleep thinking. Maybe I don't rest cuz my mind doesn't.
It's difficult to push through; physically, emotionally, and mentally. And I can't discredit that. I don't want to at least. But of course, all we wanna do is, SNAP OUTTA OF IT! Well, it's just not that easy. And maybe that's why I also write this blog because, it's never black and white. I feel people get this misconception that, if you are going through some mental health issues, you just want to sit on your ass or, that you don't try hard enough to get up, when we do. Sometimes you win; sometimes you lose.
Today is one of those days yet, I'm here. I feel nauseous, my fingers are tingly, my breath is short, I really don't want to post. I kind of just wanna stay in hiding.
There will be moments we will stay within the comforts of our thoughts, our behaviors, our reactions, our own limitations; and we will feel too incapable to step beyond them. Then, there are moments like this, when even through the knots in your belly, you get the fuck up! This is where I have to really force myself to self care. Do anything, big or small, to soothe me; to show me some love. I really don't know what I feel today. I kinda feel angry, lonely, a bit of embarrassment, really fucking sober, some feelings of ease while I write and, some sense of, "I'm ok;" it feels all muddled. Uncomfortable.
Healing; it's uncomfortable. Growth; it's uncomfortable. All of this, is uncomfortable. But it's all worth it. Or at least, I keep telling myself.
Don't stop telling yourself that.
I hope today you can push, shove, crawl, tip toe through your negative thoughts, or the intense, overwhelming feelings of, "what the hell is wrong with me?" Cuz you're incredible, capable, and so worth it!
Thank you so much for letting me vent on ya screen, and being a part of my healing.