A Spiritual Death: When I Thought,"Dis da End."


Wassup Mi Gente!

Being back in NYC has been a bit of an adjustment to say the least. I was beginning go settle into a routine in Santo Domingo that brought me so much peace. I almost thought for a second that the peace I felt was going to stay behind, that I had to leave it because I couldn't imagine peace, fitting into my life here in such a grand capacity. That I'd be saying,"See ya lata," to it too, like I did to my loved ones. I even felt, how can I feel so much at ease, at peace, while being so disconnected from essentially, everything and everyone I know. I even thought,

"Well! This is it girl. Dis da end. You gon' took the trip of your life, started loving yourself, and now you gonna die." 

And that God is playing with my emotions.
So, I wrote my thoughts down. Cause I deadass thought, I was not gonna make it back to NY. That this was it. 

But the reality is, I think I did die that night, at least parts of me that really weren't mine to begin with. I think part of the human experience is discovering our true selves amidst all the baggage we picked up along the way. Baggage that sometimes doesn't even have our names on it. I spent this trip unpacking my shit, and returning luggage that doesn't belong to me. And as the weight lifted, I felt more at peace, I stood more erect, more like me; I actually had a real desire to live. So I share with y'all this moment. Unedited.

May 29th, 11:34pm
THEY SAY PEOPLE KNOW WHEN THEY ARE ABOUT TO DIE, OR AT LEAST THATS WHAT I READ, OR WHAT THEY SAY IN THE MOVIES OR EVEN IN THE STORIES IVE HEARD LIKE, "ESE YA SUPO."(HE ALREADY KNEW).  ITS LIKE THIS INCLING THAT WE HAVE. LIKE ONE SINGLE BUTTERFLY. ONE SINGLE FLUTTER. MAYBE ACCOMPONIED BY A KNOT IN YOUR THROAT. MY THROAT. I TOYED WITH THE IDEA VERY EARLY ON ON THIS TRIP THAT MAYBE IM TAKING THIS AMAZING TRIP, RECONNEECTING, LEARNING, REDISCOVERING, LOVING; THAT MAYBE THESE ARE THE LAST DAYS. THAT THE WORDS I WRITE, THE CONVERSATIONS IVE HAD, THE LAUGHS IVE SHARED, THE LIVES IVE MET WILL ALL BE MY LAST. AND THAT SCARES ME CAUSE WHAT IF THEY ARE. WHAT IF I GET TO NEW YORK, OR DONT MAKE IT TOBNEW YORK AND NEVER SAID WHAT I WANTED, DID WHAT I FELT, LOVED MYSELF. LOVED MY OWN PARENTS. WHAT IF? IT KINDA FEELS LIKE IM BEING REBORN, SHEDDING SKIN, PEELING LAYERS, PUTTING THE PEICES OF THE PUZZLE TOGETHER. TODAY I EVEN SAW THE NORTH STAR FOR DA FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE... SMOKING A BLUNT, AT THAT. I GUESS KANEY WAS ONTO SOMETHING AFTERALL... IT SCARES ME HOW ME I FEEL, HOW PRESENT I AM. THIS PEACE. IT SCARES I WONT GET TO SHARE THIS ME WITH ALEX, MAMI, LI, PAPI, CARLOS, CRIL, KEI, MEESH, MY GODFAMILY; WITH PEOPLE I LOVE. I KNOW THIS TRIP IS SUCH A GIFT WRAPPED IN TIME AND SPACE AND IM SO GRATEFUL. SO THANKFUL. THINGS ARE REALLY COMING TOGETHER INTERNALLY AND I DONT KNOW, I GUESS, I WANNA LIVE. I WANNA LIVE LIFE. I STILL DONT KNOW HOW COMFORATBLE I AM IN BELIEVING IN WHO I AM OR HOW FULL HEARTEDLY COMMITTED I AM TO TAKING THAT BITCH, LIFE, BY THE HORNS UNAPOLOGETICALLY, SO I HOPE OLOFI GIVES ME THE TIME. I LOVE YOU BEE.
Sent from my iPhone

I don't think I can remember being more at peace, and more thirsty to live before this moment. And I still feel the same way. Hungry. Alive. Calm. But with a lot less fear. It's to show that we create and carry the peace within us, wherever we go. And that spiritual deaths, are part of our healing. They give passage to a renewed being. A renewed me. A renewed you.

Thank you so much for letting me vent on ya screen, and being a part of my healing.

Stay Building.

Stay Dope.

   


Comments

Popular Posts