The Silver Lining
Wassup Mi Gente!
Happy Hispanic Heritage Month!
How are y'all feeling today?!
I cannot recall a moment in life that I've ever used the term "silver lining" to describe the bright side of things, I never really got it, even after the movie, Silver Linings Playbook, which I never finished seeing but I want to. I probably never even written the two words together yet yesterday after I slept, slept, and slept; I woke up to a silver lining... on the label of some tub of cream that has nothing left to give. It cut through the horizon of unfolded clothes, a beach chair drowning in you guessed it, more unfolded clothes, and the rent free insanity of bags spilling outta bags, jewelry boxes with mail and jewelry, a laptop trapped in the 90's with my 653 songs on constant shuffle but only plays a select few, and then some, all occupying my not so big studio. I'm pretty sure the mess is absorbing my energy at night cuz it gets harder to get up, even harder to fall asleep, yet so easy to sit in all of it. And its the easiness of it that can sometimes bring us down, or at least me. Its familiar. Takes no effort. Then I start to think, there's gotta be more, right? Where's the silver lining?! Well maybe, we're the silver lining....
The upside down deep moisturizing cream with a lime pleated design and silver lining, with a half smoked blunt on top of it from 3 something that morning, and I were at eye level. It was 3:34pm and I, was the bed exhaustion was laying on. My body felt like bricks; and I couldn't for the life of me remember the last time I'd felt so heavy, so unmotivated yet yearning to get out of bed. I had attempted to get up at 11am, That didn't happen. Then again at 1pm. Slept pass it. So I laid there. The leak in my bathroom plays the same song, all day, even when there's no one to listen.
My face on my hand on my pillow, staring at the silver lining. Then of course I needed to pee, something I decided would be best done outta bed, and I got up. Barely. The hunger was unbearable but I had little to no intention to eat, even that felt like, something else?
I stood up, hunched. I looked down at myself wondering how much weight have I lost since coming back from DR, I was doing so great, I thought. I have no full length mirror in my apartment so I never look at myself completely, at least in my own space. The hunger, and the exhaustion were turning me out but not more than my awareness. Just two weeks ago, I was doing so much, I felt extremely up, and alert, working on things I'd let fall by the wayside the last time I was manic. Bi Polar Disorder, fuck you, like forreal. I got angry with myself and it seemed the angrier, the hungrier. I ate an apple. Yes, an apple. I sat on my bed and devoured it. Only 34 minutes had went by and it felt like 2hrs. I thought,
Is this life?
I rolled up, and laid back down. I felt like I was having a staring contest with the silver lining on the upside down deep moisturizer whose half a blunt I smoked after killing the apple. I contemplated, will I get up today? will I let the exhaustion be? I wanna get up. You have to get up. You have to write. Consistency consistency consistency is key. Who the fuck came up with that shit. Its so patronizing.... iMessage...
-"Lol. Hey you"
I didn't "lol" but I did roll my eyes and smile. I guess its the same thing.
-"You still going to that thing tonight?"
That thing? What thing? THAT THING! That thing like all the other things I either signed up for, said I was going to and totally forgot about. How supportive of me. Jesus Betsy...
-"....gunna leave soon then"
-"Dope....see you soon then!"
Self loathing? So much for that.
My metro card had expired... yesterday, and i wasn't really planning on getting outta bed. I had decided if I was gonna feel like shit about life, Imma do it aaaallll the way. I really need some therapy. Social accountability is a tricky thing, I use it so I can show up for myself but not showing up becomes about other people. Complicated. And all I kept thinking, and thanking god for was the location of the event which was right across the park at El Barrio Firehouse Community Media Center.
"From El Barrio to Ayotzinapa" a screening of two beautiful and empowering short films: Women Fighting for El Barrio, the Community, and Another World, a film about a group of trailblazing Latina immigrant women of Movement for Justice in El Barrio, a grassroots community mobilizing collective that fight for housing justice for all marginalized communities; and Video-message from the Mothers of the 43 Disappeared Students of Ayotzinapa, words from some of the mothers heading "the worldwide struggle" of the 43 students that disappeared one year ago next week. This video-message for the women of Movement for Justice in El Barrio, was a display of how these women are breaking borders and creating global communities.
I was moved by the films and seeing these "ordinary" women do EXTRAORDINARY things. It made me feel first of all, PROUD to be an immigrant Latina and, really good that I showed up.
El Barrio Firehouse is home to the Manhattan Neighborhood Network(MNN), "Manhattan's free, public access cable network;" they also provide free basic, intermediate, and advance level courses in film making, editing, and broadcasting for both youth and adult Manhattan residents, me, now being one of them.
When I got uptown, thanks to the 2.75 I found inside of the lining of one my bags, I sat on my friends couch and began surfing through MNN's website to see if there's some tired ass service fee that was failed to be mentioned earlier; I know, how untrusting and kinda cynical. I guess I wanted it to be everything they said, so bad, that I doubted them. Expectations, what a set up? But there weren't any tired service fees, and courses for basic field production, and this dope one on, "Journalism in the Social Media Age" are just about to start. Talk about a silver lining? It was all the silver I needed. Registering for those courses filled me up with excitement, and I wont lie, anxiety...
-"Carlos, I'm in a relationship. Like I just committed to something..."
-"Girl, what are you talking about?"
-"I just signed up for these courses at Manhattan Neighborhood Neighborhood, two loka. TWO! I feel amazing but I feel like, oh my god, I'm so crazy I just committed to something and I just had a melt down about being unreliable and the final project is a group thing, and groups? GROUPS? DIOS MIO! why do I do it to myself. But I'm happy cuz I'll have a routine and they say people who are bipolar need routine. Girl Imma be busy; like legit I have somewhere to be... busy.
-"Well... that's ya name right?
I wanted to slap the PlayStation controller outta his hand I love him so much, but his oh so matter fact response to my rant was perfect.
There are days that I just cant understand what the hell is going on with me, and why am I experiencing the world in these various ways and why and why and why. Then I realize like I do, everyday, that I have to push through. Maybe if I didn't push through my depression this morning to write about the the deep cream's silver lining, how would I have know that the image might just have been a symbol for my day yesterday, or life? I know it sounds corny but I believe in no coincidences. I know this mini journey will be full of inner light and progress, cuz that how I see these courses, as experiences that are going to elevate and help me grow into the human being, the woman, the artist, the activist, that I see. I feel there's purpose in the dark, I found some of my greatest lessons in it but it was actually giving myself some light, or being open to it, that allowed me to really see them. I hope today You find the silver lining, and if you don't it's ok, doesn't mean it isn't there shining.
Thank you so much for letting me vent on ya screen, and being a part of my healing.