Disclose & Disappear

Wassup Mi Gente?
How you feelin? How you livin?

The beautiful thing is, or at least I try to tell myself, trauma isn't linear i.e. this blog. You have sat with me in my past, my present, my real time, somewhere in between giving up and trying again. Trauma pulls you in every direction; it’s messy, complicated, and excruciatingly painful. And independently, it's hard to find beauty, light, solace, hope, when looking at trauma head-on like I've been examining every minute it seems like for the last two to three years. But stepping back, and looking at my trauma last night, reading about it from my point of view, reading how the act of healing pulls you, me, in every direction just as much, just as messy, complicated if not more than the trauma, and excruciatingly painful as well; and when I looked at the two together last night, as I sat and read this blog, my corner of space in the world, my world, my thoughts, my feelings, I didn't think I would crack a smile, let alone burst into laughter cus its so painful yet fucking hilarious, and I’ve never laughed about it. I sat alone in my homeboy's house babysitting his cat, or whatever babysitting a cat looks like, and I sat with myself. I sat with me. I sat with the same words you did, for the first time, because later today I'll be sitting with a group of other adults who were sexually abused within their families. The Hidden Waters Healing Circles are 12 weeks, and I knew I needed to know where I started on this healing journey. Below I share with you my email to Elizabeth:

“Good afternoon Elizabeth,

I hope this finds you in amazing spirits.

My name is Betsy, and I was forwarded some information about your upcoming healing circles, with individuals who have experienced or been impacted by, intra-familial child sexual abuse.

For the last two years, I have found myself unraveling in the crippling affects of being abused within my family growing up. I started sharing some of my story in creative ways, and have 3 therapy stints under my belt. The most recent therapist I saw for a month before I mentioned the sexual abuse, and even then, I couldn't bring myself to say it, and had to write it down. I saw her one more time, and never returned; not even her messages; it was a pattern I'd adopted, "disclose & disappear"... This year has began in a great way, and wanna say, I have come, some way, from where I was, not so long ago, yet... there's always this blankness I feel, I'm there, and here, and tuned out.

I always know deep down what the root of many things for me is that trauma. Even if I wanna think, I'm an adult now; that the past, is the past; and you gotta " change the way you think," a personal favorite to hear, and preach; its not that simple. So, I'm currently in a place where although I want to heal, I just don't know how to, from this, this pain, and I don't know if the people in my life can understand that this, has reframed my world in ways I don't think they'll ever get, and that I may not either, which I guess, is possible, right? I am unable to truly, and fully embrace my family, my self, or... my life; physically, spiritually, or emotionally, if I'm completely honest; always in my head for reasons I can't explain, and ones I'm too ashamed to admit. I don't even know if that's realistic for me, to fully embrace all these parts of my life, and self… but it has to be, right?

I'm scared to heal. I don't know if healing really means letting go because, if I let go, what would be left of the time in my life I call "my childhood"? I've always said, “I never had one,” and now, I'm realizing its cus it wasn't the kind any person should have, but the "logical" side of me, which I guess is kinda, my shame and some denial, wants to say, "it wasn't all bad... And you liked it."

So I guess I don't know a lot about where I'm standing, except... that I wanna live, and wanna feel good about living, without feeling embarrassed for it or like, I'm not suppose to. I'm aware all of this won't happen in 12 weeks, and though that would be nice, I just wanna give myself another chance to heal with intention, and meet others who are healing too.

Thank you for sitting with my words.

I hope to be in contact soon.

Much, much love,

Betsy "Bizzy" Perez
Art. Activism. Healing.
"Sometimes the king is a woman."- De La Vega”

By stepping into this circle, I know why I’m there, why I’m choosing to take part, and as I write this even to you, I feel the heat fill me, the electricity at my tips, the anxiety, the pain, the heartbreaking fact that I know exactly why I am there for being violated as a child, for understating, believing, for wanting to think that its all good, when it wasn’t, and still isn’t. Therapy in the past has been anxiety provoking, and like I mentioned in the email, I usually “Disclose & Disappear,” difference this time is, there is no need of disclosure, and I’m trusting, I’m hoping, that I wont disappear.

Thank you for letting me vent on ya screen, and being a part of my healing.

Stay building.
Stay dope.


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